2008 Confessions: A Life not lived

Wait…..you may want to read this….it’s not the normal 2008 in review….nor is it a post full of platitudes about the upcoming year. This is a real look at the life of this entrepreneur – one that I haven’t wanted to put into writing, but, feel compelled to do so as I’ve realized I’m not the only one who needs this in writing.

I have to admit, that this is a first for me in quite some time. I’ve been so busy for the past two years, as the business has continued to increase beyond our wildest expectations, I haven’t allowed myself any time to think about the past or the future.

“Oh,” you say, “you’ve been living in the now”. Well, that’s not exactly true either. I honestly don’t know *where* I’ve been living…neither in the past nor the present, nor the future….I’ve been in a weird limbo of sorts. Maybe it’s closest to the truth to admit that I haven’t been living.

Working far too much (this came to a head just over a week ago when I laid my head on the pillow after being awake – and working – for 41 hours straight), living far too little. I’ve allowed my life to get so far out of balance, it’s really not been a life at all.

Maybe you can relate. Maybe you’ve found yourself working way too much, sleeping too little, and not embracing the moment or even being conscious of the moment. Maybe you are burned out, stressed out, and have checked out of your own life.

If so, take a moment for yourself and keep reading.

Right before I sat down to write this, I opened up a copy of January’s issue of “O magazine”. I’m not a regular subscriber, but, I wanted this issue because it had a piece about Oprah’s weight struggle. I am not Oprah (by any stretch of the imagination), but, I see her as someone who is similar to me. I had a suspicion that she probably worked too much….but, her determination and instincts also seemed similar to mine. So, while I don’t have millions of people hanging on my every word….nor am I known by one name (or one letter, for that matter!)…I see similarities between her and I – and I was curious what happened (and, somewhere deep inside me, I knew it was relevant to what was happening with my life).

Here’s a quote from the article

“It’s not enough to simply claim to care about yourself; when you believe that you’re worthy of the space you occupy on the planet, you demonstrate that by insisting that every last one of your choices – from the food you put in your mouth to the commitments you put on your calendar – moves you toward the life you want. This past year, I completely took myself off my own priority list. I wasn’t just low on the list, I wasn’t even on the list. What I’ve realized is that no self-care means no self-love. “

~Oprah Winfrey, “O” Magazine, January 2008

That really hit home. In 2007, I *was* on my priority list – just very, very low….like clear at the bottom. And, that is a place on my priority list that I rarely get to. In 2008, however, it changed – I was completely eliminated from my priority list. And, that put me on the path to working 41 consecutive hours – my commitment was no longer to myself or my family….it was all about the business – regardless of what I wanted other people to believe.

As I slowly allowed this realization to wash over me, I’ve slowly added a few “self care” things into my schedule. These are silly little things…..for example, I had highlights put in my hair. I went with my son’s girlfriend to get our nails done. I mean – truly small things…..but, each time I did it (and didn’t cancel – which is where I’ve been up to now…I would schedule self care type appointments, and then, I would cancel….telling myself I didn’t have time for that), it felt so good. Good isn’t really the word….I felt sparkly – like a new person. For me, there’s been something wonderful and magical about allowing myself to have small pleasures.

For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t feel guilt for those small self care appointments, either. That’s been a huge thing for me- for several years, any THOUGHT of doing something that was remotely close to self-care caused so much guilt, it was just much simpler to bypass it. That included working out. I know….most of us feel guilty for NOT working out! Instead, I literally felt guilty for not spending that 2 hours a day working – even though I knew that it was good for my body, mind, and spirit to take that time to work out! I didn’t know which guilt was worse – the guilt for taking 2 hours to work out every day or the guilt for NOT taking the full 2 hours to work out!

Sick, huh?

While I’m “confessing”, I may as well admit that I also felt guilty sleeping. Yes, really! I would lay in bed for hours at night, thinking about how lazy I was being for not working a few more hours.

I won’t get into further depth, so as not to bore you, but, it’s not been good in my self-world for quite some time. On the other hand, the business has continued to flourish – even with the terrible economic news that seems to plague the airwaves every day.

Now, none of this was an overnight realization. I’ve known things were out of balance in my life….I just didn’t want to take the time necessary to identify exactly what was happening and what I needed to do to bring myself back into balance. Or, maybe I should say that I didn’t want to acknowledge how terribly out of balance things had become. That’s probably closer to the truth.

After my 41 hour escapade, I had a moment when I had to “come clean” with myself. First, I realized that I’m not as young as I once was….nor am I able to physically handle escapades like that – nor do I have ANY business trying! It took me days to recover – which, in the grand scheme of things, was a blessing in disguise – because it gave me time to think.

As of today, I’ve mostly just relaxed and rested for the past 5 days. It’s been FANTASTIC! I forgot how nice it was to let myself recharge! I’ve allowed myself to sleep later than usual, go to bed when I wanted (well, not completely – I do have kids, so, they do need me to be awake a few hours a day ), work if I wanted, AND play if I wanted. I’ve been able to sketch and write and play with the kids. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing my daughters face to face…talking with them, spending time just “being” with them. And, I’ve had time to reconnect with my son.

We (my son, his girlfriend, my niece, and her boyfriend) even had a road trip to Omaha! No zoo pictures this time….only a couple tattoos and an incredible message…..

You see, my son (and my niece) got their first tattoos on our road trip. His, which you will see over on the left there, says “Glory”. That may seem really strange at first….but, the meaning behind the tattoo inspired me – and made me realize that I HAVE taught them something – even if I haven’t really practiced it for a few years.

In short, he got the word “Glory” tattooed on his forearm to remind him never to settle for something just because it’s what everyone else wants/expects or the most expedient thing to do.

It is there to remind him that he has the “right” – the duty – to pursue his fullest potential instead of settling for something because it’s convenient or easier. And, that sentiment is what lead me to create my business so many years ago….it was constant thread in my life up until a few years ago when I lost myself. Whether he realizes it or not….my son helped me accept something that I had been unwilling to acknowledge, and set me on the path to rediscovery.

As I’ve said – I knew my life was way out of balance. That actually led me to temporarily close one of the subsidiaries of the corporation. I couldn’t, in good conscience, coach people on leading a healthy, balanced, *whole* life when I knew I wasn’t living a whole life, nor was my life even close to being in balance.

So, I did the difficult thing, and closed that particular division. I didn’t know how long it would be closed – or if it would ever re-open. I just knew that I couldn’t bring myself to coach people to do something that I was unable to do at the time. I know there are business people who do that….I couldn’t live with myself if I would have kept that division open.

All of this realization also gave me another opportunity, though, that I haven’t taken advantage of for many years. The opportunity to refocus myself. To recommit to those things that are important, to recommit to myself.

It forced me to really think about where my priorities are….and to make a definitive plan to restructure my life according to how I want my priorities to be. That is to say that my priorities have been somewhat handed over to everyone else – they got to decide where my priorities were. Naturally, I didn’t realize I was doing it at the time….but, hindsight shows me I willingly handed over the setting of my priorities to people who were neither interested in my best interest nor in a position where they should get *any* say in what my priorities should be (in other words, I handed setting my priorities over to anyone BUT me!)

My 2009 plan, which I hope will spark some ideas for you if you were in the same way-out-of-balance spot that I’ve been in, will be posted tomorrow (most likely) – the first day of a new year.

But, whether you are reading this at the end or beginning of a year – or anywhere in between….let me just finish with a thought….Today is a new day, a new opportunity for you to make a positive step into tomorrow. We don’t need a “new year” to make positive changes….we just need to accept the opportunity that is always there waiting for us in the moment.

That is why I haven’t really been a big “resolution” person – because our opportunity to create a new beginning is right now – every moment of every day. It doesn’t just happen once a year…it’s always there, waiting for us to accept it. So, even though this happened to coincide with the calendar change for me this year, no matter when you are reading this….commit to a positive change to get your life back in balance *now*…there is no need to wait.

Own the moment,

Dee