Behind Closed Doors

If there is one thing I understand to the core of my being, it is that a person should never make judgments of someone else based on what we perceive to be his or her life – because you do not know what happens “behind closed doors” in his or her world.

As I approach the beginning of my 37th year on the earth, I’m facing demons that I wanted to believe – had almost convinced myself – I had vanquished.  Demons that continue to haunt me….demons that appeared behind closed doors what feels like lifetimes ago – and, demons that I am keenly aware of, now, have continued to shrink my world years after I thought they were gone.

What I realize – and things have been “working up to” this point for quite some time (more than a year) – is that I wouldn’t wish what I’m going through on my worst enemy.  And, more importantly, I don’t want anyone else to go through this ever-shrinking of their world because they have these same demons chasing them in their lives.

The demons have a counter force, which we will call my angels – although, at this time in my life, I struggle to accept that the angels’ actions are a blessing because they have effectively stolen a great deal of my memories for the sake of self-protection.  However, I accept that the self-protection must have a purpose and I may not be here today, to share bits and pieces of a painful journey, without those dim and, in many cases, completely missing memories.

In my youth, I made a serious of really dumb decisions – one of them resulted in a very abusive relationship, mentally and physically.  After many years – way too many years – I found the courage to leave the relationship….but (most likely) only because my maternal instincts kicked in and I knew I had to protect my children.  I do remember the day I realized that something was very wrong, and that my false assumption that all the abuse was directed towards me was, indeed, false.  I remember very little before that day – what I remember is either extremely vivid or very dim….but, the memories are, for the most part, buried somewhere deep within me that I’m not able to reach.  And, I also have huge gaps in memory that have continued to occur since leaving that situation.

It’s baffled me, for quite some time, why the memory gaps continue.  Yet, as I’ve started this battle, on my own (more on that in a moment), I’ve begun to realize that ignoring those demons have set into action forces that continue to put me in similar situations (not the same situations – I have not repeated that sort of long term abusive relationship since that time) in one form or another. What I am beginning to understand, now, is that my “angels” have continued to work to protect me – hiding those times somewhere locked away so that I can continue on – in whatever form that continuance takes.

I’ve joked previously that this is just “age”….but, when I speak with people (which I don’t do that often – at least in a personal manner), I’m finding that it’s not the “norm” to have such large gaps and shortages in your memory at this age.  I am rarely able to know, for example, when something happened – even when it’s significant.  I can put it in a very general timeline – something like “before 1998″ or “after this child  was born” – but, rarely am I able to categorize something in more specific terms (whether it happened in 2008 or 2009, for example, is usually something I’m unable to say – unless the event took place within a few weeks of needing to categorize it).

I’m also finding that this past year has essentially been locked away somewhere in the recesses of my mind – telling me that I’m in that same pattern again – and I know the only way to free myself – allowing me to become the person I was meant to be – is to start confronting these demons and finally put them to rest – not just lock them away, but, actually confront them and come out the other side victorious.

Despite the fact that I love my art, I have come to the difficult realization that the way my business is structured, I have set up a situation where I am constantly in a state of not feeling worthy and hoping for validation of my worth through my customers.  And, despite receiving countless “validations” from my customers with glowing comments, I continue to hold my breath every time something ships, because these invisible demons haunt me – reminding me that I wasn’t good enough “back then” to avoid being abused and wasn’t strong enough to leave a bad situation long before I did.

This is where a twisted dichotomy comes in because my brain tells me that those are the most ridiculous notions.  That nothing I did or didn’t do at the time – neither who I was or who I wasn’t – deserved that abuse.  No one deserves to be abused.  But, somewhere within me lies that scared young woman who believed she could change someone else and who also believed, wrongly, that she was directly responsible for every bit of abuse that was directed at her.

I do not believe I was a victim – victims don’t survive.  But, to be a survivor, I know that I’ve got to confront these demons from the past – those things that continue to isolate me and prevent me from living the life I was designed to life and continue to hold me in a past that I am unable to fully remember.  I do not know where to begin – one thing that is certain is that trust is something that I still need to relearn.  The question becomes…”How does one learn to trust when she needs to trust someone to teach her how to trust?”

I find it interesting that in the past 12 years, I have not formed friendships with any of my children’s friends’ parents.  It’s hard to get past the judgments that people make when they don’t know what’s happened behind closed doors.  And, even if they aren’t making judgments (which most likely they weren’t), it’s hard to accept that knowing that I have judged myself so harshly for what happened.  In the end, though, it comes to demons and trust.  Those demons keep me isolated from others – even when I’ve been in a rooms full of people.  The inability to trust kept me isolated so that I didn’t have to deal with the demons.  And the circle will continue to repeat until I am able to step out of it.

I share this today for two reasons;  first, I hope that people can resist the urge to label others when they don’t really know what is happening or has happened behind closed doors.  And, second, but just as important, I hope this will give someone, somewhere a glimmer of hope that he or she will be able to take back her life from the same demons….and go on to do incredible things with her life.

As for me, I know what I am supposed to do with my life – I just need to connect the dots from here to there.  The first step was admitting that these demons are still with me after all these years.  I’m working on the second step.  I’m not fooling myself into believing that any of this will be easy – if it was easy, I would have dealt with the demons way back then…..but, I DO believe that the strength I showed when I chose to rescue my children and myself from that situation – despite the time it took for me to find that strength – is still in me today.  And, that strength is exactly what I will need to see this through and reach the “there” from “here.